I love you, I need you.

(me + my mom in 1987)

Tonight, I called my mom.  I told her that I needed her.  I do need her.  I’m 31 years old and I need my mother so much it hurts.  I call her and tell her that my son needs to see her… that he misses her.  I try to get her to come up here and help me with the kids.  Really,  I just need her to hold me.

I grew up in a house that wasn’t very affectionate.  We didn’t hug very much.  We said I love you but it was a quick “okay, love you, talk to you later.”  My mom kind of has a thing about physical affection.  I don’t know that she grew up in a very affectionate household.  We’re kind of weird about feelings at home.  We don’t really express ourselves well unless we’re angry.  Healthy right?  For me to tell my mother the words tonight… “I need you…I need you… I NEED YOU…” is huge.  I am 31 and I need my mother because I am hurting.

My son was recently given an individual education plan (IEP) because he has “developmental delays.”  We’re fairly certain it is autism but for whatever reason I couldn’t hear those words right now.  It is HARD for me to KNOW that my son has something that they don’t know much about.  They don’t know what causes it.  They don’t know exactly what to do about it… I mean, sure, there are ideas– but the spectrum is so large.  There are so many unknowns.  I am not good at unknowns.  If they can’t find a reason for it– the reason is me.  That is what I tell myself from sun up to sun down.  I should have breastfed longer, I shouldn’t have eaten processed food, I shouldn’t have been so stressed, I shouldn’t have gotten the epidural, I should have staggered vaccinations, etc.   Sometimes I tell myself the worst one of all.  I shouldn’t have been selfish. 

After my husband and I got married I took red lipstick and wrote my bathroom mirror, “Don’t have children.  Don’t be selfish.  They will grow up like you.  You can’t do that to someone else.”  I looked at this every morning and I sobbed.  I wanted children so badly but I couldn’t live with them having the brain that I have.  Within a few months of writing this message, I was pregnant.  It was unplanned and unexpected.

Holding that 8 lb 6 oz baby boy was indescribable.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been more happy in my entire life.  He was beautiful.  He IS beautiful.  He had perfect eyes, so alert.  He nursed perfectly… his toes were big and beautiful.  Perfection.  He was my whole world.  He is my world.

The past year has been hard.  He’s been through so many adjustments.  We have a another little one and he has had to share his attention.  He had to deal with a truly awful preschool that punished him for his anxiety and insecurities.  He stims a lot.  He repeats questions.  He anxiously talks about irrelevant things.  He can’t talk to kids.  Sometimes toilets and vacuums scare him.  There are a lot of things that are hard for him.  BUT… he talks to me.  He loves me.  He kisses me.  He hugs me.  He laughs.  He makes jokes.  He hugs his sister and loves his sister.  He lights up when he sees her.  My children embrace each other the minute one realizes the other is awake.   They squeal with excitement.  How blessed am I to have two LOVING children?

The idea of autism is overwhelming.  I am overwhelmed.  I have obsessive compulsive disorder, panic attacks, generalized anxiety and depression.  I have sensory issues and quirks.  I am TRYING to be an example for my fearful son but I am struggling.  Struggling to me… is failing.  I need my mom.  I need my mom to hold me and tell me that I’m doing an okay job.  I need her to hold my baby and comfort him in a way that only she can.  She may not have always been the greatest at it with me but she has ALWAYS been wonderful with my son.  He trusts her and he loves her.  They have a special bond.  A bond I am grateful for… especially when I feel inadequate.

I don’t know what I’m saying in this blog except for that I am feeling lost at the moment.  I am feeling stressed, scared, overwhelmed and sorry for myself a little bit.  I hope I can find the strength and energy to really help myself so I can continue to help my son.  Sometimes the fight seems to large and I feel too small.  I pray for strength.

Just a few things…

Hello loves.  It probably seems that I have abandoned this blog in 2017 but I haven’t!  Much like 2016, 2017 has been a whirlwind of crazy.  Life seems to fly by so fast.  The days are long and entirely too short all at the same time.  It is bizarre how that happens.

Currently we are dealing with strep in our house, allergic reactions to medication, etc.  As you all know these are sensitive areas for me.  I am trying hard to remain balanced and calm, but it is difficult.  I have had a few meltdowns that I’m not proud of but sometimes it is impossible to be composed.  I pray that the sickness stays away and the warm weather returns with health and happiness.

In other news, I started a new blog.  I have grown to love blogging so much.  This blog is my baby and I share such personal aspects of my life here.  I feel comforted in the blogging community.  You all comment, pray, share your stories and your support and it is really amazing.  Blogging has been such a healing process for me in the past year, more than I ever thought it could be.

I will still update The Glimmer because it is my release.  I can bring my fears, concerns, love, passion, worries, etc here and know that I have followers that read my stories and can relate or can sympathize.  I can get the feelings out of me and make sense of them.  This blog has helped me figure myself out as much as anything has this year.

My new blog is less personal and more “mommy blog.” Ha!  I figured that I could put my OCD to good use.  I can advise other moms on the best thermometers (as I own ALL of them and compare them constantly), diaper rash creams (yep, have tried all of those too.), or share my postpartum hair loss experience.  I can show you how to make an amazing pineapple costume, take a fun father’s day photo shoot, or throw a pretty epic dino party.  I am excited to have a blog that is a little more light hearted and shows a different side of me.  The side that creates with my kids, has fun ideas, and lives in the present.

My new blog is called “Mommy is Exhausted” –which is quite fitting.  Mommy IS exhausted. 24/7.  Check it out if you get a chance.  Share with your mommy friends.  I have lots of ideas for the blog and very little time so I hope to keep it up as much as possible.  🙂

And again, thanks for reading everyone!  I will be back soon with a real update!  So much has happened the past few weeks.

love.

How many ounces of water do you drink in a day?

OCD is a tricky little illness.  It never presents itself in the same form from day to day.  It is hiding and it creeps into your daily life and sometimes you don’t even see it.  It comes in and it jumbles everything around and it scares you and judges you and it hurts you and makes you question everything you ever knew or thought you knew.

When I was pregnant with Claire I had a 2 year old that was just starting preschool.  This mama had a lot of emotions.  I didn’t want my baby to leave me,  I needed him to be social but I feared for him.  I missed him.  I was all over the place.  I was a mess.  Ultimately, he started school and he LOVED school.  He still loves school and he has learned so much.  At the time though, it was too much.  I was feeling A LOT of stress.  I dropped him off every single day and said a prayer in my car.  I prayed to God that he keep him safe, happy and healthy.  I prayed that we got to school okay and that he was okay and I was okay and the baby was okay and I just prayed over and over again.  I worked full time, I tried to manage a crazy schedule. I was trying to grow a healthy baby while raising a happy 2 year old and I felt the pressure. My husband was so supportive and so wonderful but I didn’t want to even be near him at times.  For whatever reason, I felt anger toward him.  I felt like he never understood.

I can look at the fears I had at the time rationally at this point in time but back then… all I saw was a whirlwind of complete chaos and crazy. I started to fixate on things.  I started to fear things that were rational and irrational.

It was too hard to admit the fears I had a the time.  I didn’t want to say that I feared my baby getting hurt.   I didn’t want to say that my husband was driving me crazy and I didn’t want to kiss him or touch him.   I didn’t want to say that I feared CONSTANTLY that something would happen to me or the baby.  I didn’t want to focus on why I was feeling these things, or more importantly- I couldn’t.  My brain shut off from analyzing these rational fears and feelings and told me that I was going to die of a water overdose.

Yes, you read that right.  I thought that I MUST be drinking too much water and some freak accident like this would be what did me in.  I knew that I was drinking a lot of water when I was pregnant so I wanted to know how much was too much.  All of the research I did was so vague.  I couldn’t find exactly how many oz of water I had to drink a day and this was MADDENING.  I spent hours at night trying to find the statistics, the facts and the figures.  When I couldn’t find the exact information I needed I got scared, frustrated and angry. I didn’t understand why no one else was actively seeking this information   I didn’t understand why they hadn’t included it in my pregnancy handouts from the OB.  Weren’t they scared I was going to drink too much water and essentially DROWN myself?!

I went to the doctor in a full panic mode and explained these fears.  They suggested I start Prozac but I declined and they understood.  I don’t regret that decision because I feared for the baby… but it could have saved me a lot of hours.

I reread this and I think about this time and I think it sounds completely crazy but I know the fear I felt in the moment and I know it was just a small glimpse of what was to come.  It was a small vision of what I would experience when having the baby.  I’ll elaborate in future blog posts but for tonight, I am tired.  And one tip I’ll leave you with that is SO important …is that sleep is one of the most important parts of a healthy life and a healthy mind.

xo,

cat